没有那个必要了

有时人真的需要一些隐私，才可以让自己觉得有安全感
其实我很怕给人看穿，给人很穿了，表示缺点都给人看透了
会让自己觉得没有了那种安全感
可能自己有一个概念，看穿你的人，知道你的缺点，就会伤害你
可能是自己不想被伤害，用这种方法保护着自己吧
很想把自己变成想象中的自己
在垂落的时候，当然需要给人家安慰下，让自己的心情好些
可是有时很垂落，真的没有想到一个可以倾诉的对象
有时怕说了，别人会觉得我烦，因为我会问来问去都是关于他的
让自己坚强，为了也只是不让别人看到脆弱和胆小的我

最近我选择了等待，也有给自己留个退路，
试着想了很多种可能，好让自己有个心理准备
看来似乎到了尽头
发现他好像喜欢上了别人，这也是我曾担心的
如果是真的，我会放手吧
他开始想念的人不会再是我了
有时认真想想，人真的是如此的犯贱！

有时会告诉自己，为什么不去争取呢？
明明自己很想要，可是就是不敢去踏出第一步
“可能我并不是很需要吧？” 一直都在用这句话安慰着自己
是不是真的很胆小啊我？

把自己的部落网址给换了，因为不想给他看了，
觉得已经没那个必要了，已经打算让他自由了
也不能勉强他什么了
其实我是不是很冲动啊？

May i?

Love this photo actually, lots of friends say we look very match at this photo.
Now, i'm free.
No need to think so much, and back to my original life.
Single life.

Sometime, i still hope shall we have a chance?
I have been ask jx, and she told me, tiny chance.
I really still expect something happen, but i know it is very small chance.
Is ok, i want to take a risk.

I don't want to publish the blog what i wrote recently.
Cause i don't want you to think much again.
Just want to let you go, and can breath easily.
Maybe will make you no have the feeling to me anymore, is okay.
Of cause, i hope you can have the feeling to me.
But if i continue find you, and make you confused everyday,
maybe will make you hate me. Feel i was cumber. I don't hope to be like that.
So, i choose this way, to let you go.
And don't want you to worry me, no matter how much i hope that.

Can i silently like you?
I will no falling too deep~! I am aware of my own,
i will won't fall in love too deep, if i no close with him.
And he also no find me and play with me proactively.
But the important thing also need feel, right?

I hope you can find me, chat with me, no matter just a normal chat.
I also will be happy.
Just like before.
Really need time, just like mimi and LH.
Time can change anything.

I'm so happy that you worry about me,
can't fall in sleep because of me,
angry because of me, when i read your tweets.
I'm really happy.

Mimi ask me one question today when at the lecture class.
"If have a girl tell me that she like him, how will u do?"
I was no answer at all.
It will be many answer. Maybe i will yield.
Wanna see the how the girl is.
Is she very proactively?
Or? just like him silently?

Then mimi continued ask me.
"Why you don't go fight with her?"
I said : But the important answer is on the boy, right?

If the boy no like me, what can i do anymore?

I won't fight with other.

But i hope i can fight with other to get the thing i want.

But why i not have the feeling to go fight?

Maybe i not have confidence to myself. 

Or maybe i not needed.

Many reason i ever thought.

I have been seriously consider to myself. Have i fight something i want seriously before?

At last, i was no have any answer.

Now, i decided to let you go.

Just want to care you, notice you, like you silently.

Hope you can grow up more than now.

And have a mature thought.

Is that call WAITING??

This is the present that he give me :)

23-10-2012

Guilty

This dress is so pretty, hope one day i can dress it up, such like this kind of feeling =)
*just for sharing randomly

I'm thinking about the thing that i did yesterday, about i ignored mimi, jx and ah tat.
Really sorry about this, maybe i really have wrong and small gas,
cause mimi did something that i care, but now i'm fine.
Feel sorry to her, i should not ignore her, cause also not her fault.
Is my problem, and ah tat too~ sorry.. is my fault, i small gas, make u worry.
Jx too~! Sorry..

My grandpa will call me everyday, he will ask me
~what are u doing?
~do u ate already?
~what time class tomorrow?
~Later back ampang or damansara?
Sometime i will feel annoyed when he calling me, cause he always ask the question
i know he is worry about me, i knew it
Sometime, he will say how the weather there are.. also will say how are him
Just now he called me.. raining there.. and my grandma went to 小叔叔's place
she will overnight at there too, they will go nine temple tonight
and my 老嫲在老人院, grandpa said she now can't talk properly
sometime say her leg is tied by people, hope she live well at there
Australia relative also come back here to visit her
so, tonight just left my grandpa alone in the house, is raining just now
he not yet went out to buy the dinner, cause now the house dint have people to cook
cause the 3 members of the house already overage..
Still have my 老嫲 cook before, miss her cook actually, there have some my favorite food
after that she start ask some question again and again, that time we knew she is getting older.
So, stop cooking at all..
Sometime my grandpa will told me how the situation they are..
Sometime my grandpa will have some fever, but he will go see doctor,
and he start to ask me to do something kindly, he ask me give some money for the beggar.
Firstly, i have some unwilling, cause there will have some news about the fake beggar.
He always told me 人在做，天在看
He also will ask me when he call me
~have you saw a beggar today?? have you give some money for them? 20 sen or 50sen also can, not matter how many money you give them, at least you have heart
haha, but sometime i really no saw some beggar, maybe have, i dint notice it.
then he will continue say, 做人不可以将自私的，我们老了，看的东西也多了，也不计较了，做人不要太贪心, and so on and so on..
But it is real, some overage people really wont argue many thing, maybe they really see it clear.

Those of thing, sometime will make me want to go back to look after them,
i promised myself, i should look after them when i grow up and when i can earn money, 6 of them
They really treat me very good, just like my parent or more
I have responsibility to look after them
Cause this promise make me feel guilty, i not yet did it
Can they wait me? Or what should i do now?
I scare when i wanna do, it is too late for me..

my mom too~! she also will tell me about her feeling or situation,
cause my dad very enjoy life, he less save money at all,
is my mom helping him to save,
So, my mom will ask me dont use so many money, and my dad will stand treat his friend eat some better food, mean restaurant = paparich, oldtown, mcd and so on.
It is too embarrassing that when she give me money,
maybe i felt that i already grow up, still need to take money from them.
Sometime feel make them pressure to earn money, maybe it is normal, parent to their child
Maybe i started have that feeling.

Haiz, sometime feel upset, really dont know wanna to share with who,
have someone really understand me? I hate the feeling that u cold to me
feel like avoid me, maybe really make you angry, i'm sorry, and u told me don't wan to say sorry to you.
I think the word yesterday i said is really straight, maybe it hurt you, or make you dislike me.
Sometime need a people that i can rely on, then i will always rely on him
maybe will make him tired, because of me..
Just like ex told me, "i'm tired"
What am I? Sometime feel i'm useless, do something stupid, something useless
Sometime will hate myself, sometime make me afraid, sometime scare i did something wrong
really need time, just give some time for us.. maybe i too impulse..

i did everything also because of you, happiness, sadness
i know i say this, will make some pressure for you,
then you will think a lot of thing, then felt guilty and keep say sorry to me.
Can you just try to think some positive way?
i know you want me be happy, me too~!
i hope you can be happy too,
and you sleep late because of me, maybe.

Sometime really very confused, i want to care you, but you don't let me care
I know you don't want me to get hurt, i know you did the decision is good for me, and you too.
What can i say, Thanks for caring me and loving me...
I like you...

21-10-2012

光仁休闲中心

 这次回去是为了看老嫲
自从上次她跌倒住院后，医生说她不能开刀
因为太老了，心跳没力了
所以只好能等它自己痊愈，可能可以坐起来
但不能站起来了，因为她大腿骨那边裂了

事情发生在半夜，可能她要上厕所，懵懵懂懂地走
不小心跌倒，幸亏婆婆也起来上厕所，听到老嫲的叫声
才知道她跌倒了
她现在住在这家老人院-光仁休闲中心
坏境不错啦，一个月都要千多块，有佣人照顾，帮她换尿片
因为家里没人照顾，本来家里是公公和老嫲住而已
过后婆婆跌倒弄到手，不方便才过来公公家一起睡
现在老嫲住在老人院，家里只剩公公和婆婆

老嫲住在特护室(special care room)
里面的老人都是受伤的，不是手就是脚
而另一边，就可以自己走的
那边有鱼池，鸟，树等等...

 公公觉得那边很美，叫我帮他拍一张照片:)

那边有一只鹦鹉，是鹦鹉吧？
很可爱，第一次和公公去看，被它吓到一下，它突然把头伸出来
第二次带妹妹去看，它出声了！！
叫了 “妈妈~~~”    类似将的声音
还有火鸡，鸟类等...

 和老嫲拍了些照片,忽略我的穿着
到了大山脚就直接去老人院
还看到二叔公的老板，那个老板带一家人来，有一个儿子，有钱仔
当天叔叔有打来，我告诉他那个老板有来，
他问我“没和他儿子聊天啊？，看你就知道你穿到随随便便！哪里会看上你”
哈哈，知道他们在讲笑的

晚上老嫲会冷，所以那边会有2、3条被单
枕头也是从她家里房间带来的，以前她用的

 *LOO AH LEAN, 2012, 93 years old

第二天，很满意的说，昨天10点多回到家就跑去睡觉了
睡到很饱！我的宝贝抱枕，从小陪到我到大，它一直存放在我公公家
我回去时都会抱着它睡^^
它曾经瘦去了，公公又把它喂饱了

 老嫲的橱，有一个镜子，我那个房间超多镜子的，有3个！
其实那间是我爸妈的房间，之前他们结婚，是在这间房间的

 过后看到一块布放在婆婆的针车上，想叫她教我做的，最后我还是懒惰了
很喜欢这种被单，感觉有家乡的味道
一块一块布缝出来的，很有心血

 以前到现在都喜欢吃隔壁家的福建面(虾面)

 过后，过去槟城找表姐！ 去逛街
看中几件衣服的，结果还是没收获 :/

 最后一天了，一样的，连续3天都去看看老嫲
好像是第一天晚上，我爸爸妈妈和最小的妹妹有过去老嫲那边
陪着她，牵着她的手，聊聊天，用着我很久没说的福建话和她聊天
她说，看见我们来了很开心
当我们要回家的时候，她叫我们带她回家睡
公公说，老嫲曾经在医院说，要死都要死在家里
她其实很健康了，很听话，只要哄哄她
每次去看她，她都会叫我们把她扶起来坐，可能她没有力把自己扶起来吧
也不是坐到很直，半躺半坐的

她左边的床是一位植物人，住在那间老人院很久了，
听说她十几岁生了一场大病，过后就变成将了
而右边的呢，是一位小小只的阿嫲，健康的，可以坐起来，
可是下午去的时候，都看不到她，她都坐着轮椅跑出来走了，回来就直接躺在床上睡觉

右边的第二个，是一位很静的阿嫲，
曾经有一位坐轮椅的uncle，过去跟她聊天，她都不说话

而对面的是uncle,满吵下的，一直叫佣人
不知道要做什么
而对面的右边的uncle，有一次，他的家人来帮他按摩，擦身体，他抱着他的家人哭

老人院，虽然每次一走进去会有药和尿的味道
里面都会有不同性格的老人家
要用温柔和爱的心情去
其实很温馨，对他们就像对小孩子这样
当然没有小孩子将活泼了
有些老人家可能会期望自己的家人来看他们吧
希望他们能开开心心的

其实老嫲瘦了
可能没胃口吧，吃不多也吃不完
有些老人家没有胃口吃东西
那些佣人就会道一条管，从鼻子进去，隔壁床的植物人就是将
时间到了，佣人就会倒一杯牛奶进去管子里，给他们吸进去

老嫲曾经再上2个星期也是没胃口，也是道管子
可能辛苦吧？过几天，她自己拆掉了，过后她可以乖乖的吃东西了
听小叔叔和表姐说，上2个星期，看到老嫲很辛苦
以为她要走了，因为她一直说肚子痛，没胃口吃东西，又道管子
弄到每个人都哭了，过后把那些排泄物排出来，
就比较轻松了，可能老嫲她把那些排泄物逼着逼着吧
我们每次去时，她都会叫我们扶她去厕所小便，
我们就一直哄她，直接小出来，她就说哪里可以小在床的
我们就说，你有包尿片~

她很疼我，以前被公公追着打时，都会跑到老嫲的怀抱里
老嫲就会叫公公别打了别打了
喜欢吃她煮的菜，以前家里的菜是由她煮的
公公买菜回来，老嫲煮，以前读着小学，每天都会回公公家
公公早上会去巴杀买我喜欢的菜，我会吃辣，也是老嫲教的
她说吃辣可以帮你杀掉肚子里面的细菌

有时在公公家睡时，当然我是睡在我爸妈的房间，老嫲睡在厨房那边的房间
她会过来陪我睡，可能怕我睡不着吧~
福建话也是跟她沟通而学会的，因为她只会福建话

小时候，下午每天往家后面的游乐园玩，老嫲每天下午也会去那边坐坐，
我就会跟着去，有时她到钟煮饭了，会先回家，而我继续和那边的朋友玩我们的游戏
想想以前的我，真的是猴子，跳来跳去，弄到真身是伤
记得有一次，玩得太够力
不小心钩到些铁还是什么的，我脚趾那边有一块肉不见了
一直流血，哭着回家，本来好像不敢回家的，朋友陪着我回
想用水洗一洗的，碰到里面的肉，很痛！
怕被公公发现，叫朋友先回家，自己再偷偷跑进自己的房间，
自己包扎伤口，以为会不让公公发现的，
因为脚受伤了，走路一拐一拐的
最后还是被公公发现了，被骂了一下

还有一次，在那种爬高高的地方，手一滑，跌了下来
“熬”到了手，去看铁打，公公害怕我写不到字，因为跌的是右手

还有一次是生病，去看医生，吃了医生的药
结果第二天在学校，要放学的时候，发现我的头很自然的一直想右看
不能自己用头转去左边，要用手去把头转去左边才可以
当时还怕被同学发现，一直用手扶着自己的下巴，试着把头往前看
最后回家，越来越严重，头真的一直看着左边，根本用不到自己的力去转回来
公公就带我去看回同样地医生，医生说，可能是药的关系，
可能弄到神经线了

其实很开心有很多童年，槟城的朋友，的老师，
过槟城比赛步操的时候，立正着不能动，老师偷偷塞糖果给我们吃
说我们全身不能动，脚趾其实可以动动下，因为穿着包鞋，看不到
很想念以前，像猴子的我，想象不到吧？现在却变得如此的斯文，胆小

过后，老嫲她开始忘东忘西了，
有时开始问重复的问题，那时我们就知道她患了老人痴呆症
头头开始会觉得烦她问同样地问题，过后想下想下，也学会了包容她
不要向她发脾气
她问，我答，她再问，我再答的，一直这样的下去

之前不知道曾在哪里看到 “责任感” 这个字，
这个字弄到我有压力又内疚！
有时觉得自己很没用，觉得自己有这个责任去保护他们
可能还不够成熟吧，想帮却不知道怎样帮？
有时我真的还不会做决定，每个长女应该会有这样的感觉吧？
总觉得自己什么事都做不好！
我很爱我的家人，谢谢上帝给我这些家人，每个人的感情都很好
没有互相比较或什么的
希望也不会有！

老嫲啊~~ 你要活得健康，乖乖吃东西，公公会每天会去看你

九王爷

All the photo is taken in order to mimi,

cause she can't come and join us to 九王爷.
First time bring a college friend home and go to 九王爷,
hope she has fun that night.

I love this photo, cause i looks tall XPPP

First thing our eat is 越南小食, but there also have write is popiah.
One only RM1.60
Inside the popiah has 椰丝,芝麻,麦芽糖

I looks so no natural in this photo,
cause that time so many people walk through to us.
And feel weird take photo at there, like we are the customer from other place.
haha, but i'm the people live near over there XD
Have been walk there buy for eat everyday.

This girl go there to buy flipper.
She is thinking wanna to choose which color for her and her sister.

The famous food in the 九王爷is 臭豆腐.
She also first time to eat it.

Meet this 38 girl that night.

Hahaha, someone say she looks like promoter at this photo. =.=
LOL

臭豆腐!!
we take away to the food court 113, there have WIFI,
 cause my house WIFI line is broken last time.

After it, we went to go club.
STAGE Club.
But failed go in, cause someone is underage.


Feel very boring recently, really back to original life.
No phone chat, No hang out, Just at HOME.
Before still have someone date me out. But now,
really don't know wanna date who out when i'm so free.
Anybody live near my house?? Where are u all???

Feel wanna find a job.
Try to find a place near my house. to convenient me.
Just now i have through the shop, but i lazy to go in.
A part time job, start talking from sem break until now.
Still haven't do.

I found that actually many thing about him, is know from my friend.
Have something is only i know?
Maybe no, i guess.
Everything also the last to know =.=
Are me no notice? Or really don't want to let me know??

人人都说女孩子不要太要强、太独立、太厉害，不然就不会招人喜欢。可是，我若不坚强，不独立，不变厉害，谁会在我最无助的时候伸出援手？

Happy memory

Just try to update some photo to here

Let's follow the photo and tell the story bah :)

Six leng lui was eating 臭豆腐!!!
This comment have been post at fb.

All members 臭豆腐kaki <3 p="p">

Last Wednesday (17-10-2012)
I bring a 38 po name jiing xuan back to ampang
and go to shop the 九王爷, later post that day photo at the next blog :D

This is the time that i gathering with ah jing them,
we went to Jalan Ampang there, there is a restaurant in the hotel.
High class place.
The restaurant name : SOULed OUT

We order 6/7 types of food, and eat together.
The photo just have 5 only, the rest is haven't come yet,
we still have order a pizza.

Then we take a photo at there, too embarrassing at there actually.
Knew our pattern de lah, keep take photo here and there.
din't care others customer at there, thought there is our home XD
all crazy friends too.
Xiu Jing, Hui Ying, Yi Xiong, Jenny, Me, Pearly

When we walk to our carpark by using lift after we had the dinner,
we saw that have a big mirror in the lift,
so, we decided to continue take photo. But suddenly have a customer also want to use lift also.
So, we calm down and press the button to the other floor and change the other lift.
What the thing we done =.=
Then, we success take the photo of the mirror in the lift.
Still can see the lift door haven't close. And at last we also discover there have a cctv in the lift.
But, obviously we don't care about it. XP

This is the first time i go sing k with my classmate, penny, ah pig and ah jie
Still have jx, zx and roger.

Take photo with limin, while the break of the building services lecture class.

Mimi take the photo at the tutorial class, before the class, we still have go to jusco ate mcd.
And go to the toys world that lian hao bring us go and take a look there. :)

This is the time, we went to 笨珍云吞面, that is the first time ah tat join us to eat.

The photo after build con lecture class, Saturday
Suddenly mimi said have a mood to take photo! ^^

Happy birthday to Vincent!!!  17-10-2012

Photo when in the english class ^^
Mimi, Sook Fen, Jovi, Sze Kai, Jx and me.